Everytime I upload a picture of what I’ve cooked on Facebook, my family and friends are quick to send thunderous applause via the little “Like” button. It’s their way of motivating me to do better because on most occasions, I only attempt really easy recipes. I’ve come a long way in the kitchen. Never did I have to cook when I was living in Singapore unless it was instant noodles which took me 30 minutes instead of 3! Since Mondays are so dreadful for many, here’s a list of my Top 5 Kitchen Nightmares for you to laugh at (at my expense).
1. Microwave a Pizza
My mum bought our first microwave when I was 14. I had no idea how it worked apart from knowing that it could be used to cook rice, heat up food and defrost a million things. My cousin gave me some homemade pizza the night before the incident carefully wrapped in foil. All she told me was to heat it up in the microwave for a couple of minutes.
Left alone at home to study for the mid-year exams, I was glad to have delicious mini pizzas for lunch. “Heating something up can’t be that tough!” I thought silently to myself as I put the pizza wrapped in foil in the microwave. I stood right in front of the microwave as the dish spun slowly in circles. In a few seconds, there were flashes of mini-lightnings electrocuting my pizza. Petrified, I didn’t know what to do. I thought the microwave has broken down! In a moment of frenzy, I dashed to my bedroom and shut the door securely behind me.
These were my thoughts:
“AM I GONNA DIE? AM I GONNA DIE? AM I GONNA DIE? AM I GONNA DIE?”
I ran to my parents’ bedroom to wet a huge towel to stuff it under my door to prevent myself from inhaling smoke. My dad, for some reason, taught me what I should do if I’m ever trapped in a fire. However they NEVER taught me how to use the bloody microwave. (P.S. Before you think what an idiot I was, please be informed microwaves just wasn’t that popular back then. It wasn’t an appliance that many families could afford easily.)
Daniel just asked why I didn’t just leave the apartment. Well, FEAR!!! Duh…
After hiding in the bedroom cowardly for 30 minutes, I concluded that there wasn’t going to be an explosion. I crawled to the kitchen on all fours. Why? In case anything exploded and send shattered glass my way, at least I could have protected my face.
Not sure about the physics, but there was a safety thingie that turned the microwave off. Phew!
On the downside, the entire apartment was covered in thick smoke and I had a burnt smell in my hair for almost a week even though I showered twice a day.
2. Shrunkie the Bear
I got Shrunkie as a present in 2009. He wasn’t a bear to begin. In fact, he was a really comfortable pullover from Animal. Daniel loved it. Unfortunately, for Daniel, he had to hear me scream out loud,
“Honey!!! I shrunk your pullover!!!”
I shrunk it in 2007 when I visited Daniel in Frankfurt. Blame the washing machines AND washing detergents for not having English instructions.
3. Annoying Beeping Oven
You’ve just finished dinner and the oven in the kitchen wouldn’t stop beeping. The sound annoyed me so much when I was doing the washing up while everyone was watching TV so I simply turned the timer off.
About 30 minutes later (however long it was), I heard my mother-in-law scream,
“Oh no!!! The chestnuts are burnt!!! The timer didn’t go off!!!”
If you know what it feels like to receive enlightenment, that was how I felt. It suddenly dawned upon me that the timer went off because the chestnuts were cooked. However, I didn’t check if anything was in the oven.
Dear manufacturers of oven timers, perhaps it’s time to play some Justin Bieber? Or maybe not. I might just smash the oven.
(hate mails might just flood in…)
4. Me a Milkmaid? Nah…
2007 wasn’t just about shrinking pullovers. It was more than that.
I was striving to be the good girlfriend who tries to help her boyfriend survive what he claims as the worst season ever, WINTER. We bought a flask so that we could have hot chocolate wherever we went. As Daniel was getting ready to head out to the local park with me, I prepared some hot chocolate …
IN AN ELECTRIC KETTLE
Admit it, people! I can’t be the only idiot who tried that. Nothing to be ashamed of!
It boils faster. Mega PLUS point.
Daniel rebutted, “And burn-ier.” (This is something to be ashamed of! What word is that? Hahaha…)
Here’s the best bit.
As he sipped the hot chocolate, Daniel asked,
“This tastes a bit burnt, doesn’t it”
To which I replied without hesitation,
“It’s meant to be like this.”
End result: A burnt kettle and Daniel was made to buy a new one to replace it.
5. Porcelain versus Tin
Beautiful, functional, high quality Lakeland roasters. And I managed to ruin them.
I was supposed to fill a TIN with water and place it at the bottom of the oven. I filled a PORCELAIN roaster with water instead. Half way through, I realised I needed to add more water to it. Just to be experimentative, I added COLD water to a roaster heated at 220 degrees celsius.
As the first drop of cold water came into direct contact with the roaster, something magical happened!
I witnessed before my very own naked eyes the cracks that were surfacing in my heart being reflected on the base of the porcelain roaster.
If you’ve done Geography before, this is pretty much the freeze-thaw action in fast motion. Very hands on!
The highly durable porcelain roaster raptured into two. No fragments. Just two, solid pieces. And all Daniel could say was,
“Yoyo, the recipe said to use a TIN!!!”
I know some will think I’m an absolute idiot. Some of you will find this unbelievable or funny. I am no domestic Goddess. Sometimes the stuff I cook are barely edible and I still make mistakes in the kitchen. However, don’t let those “failures” put you off. Actually, don’t let any failure put you off from achieving bigger things in life. Laugh it off and try not to repeat the mistakes.
I hope everyone has a lovely week ahead!
Here are some recipes I’ve tried to show I’m not TOTALLY useless in the kitchen.