Before this pregnancy, I wondered if I would ever dream. When I did dream, I usually don’t remember the details. However I’ve been having the most vivid dreams for the past 32 weeks ever since we found out about Theodore. And may I warn you that these dreams do make my doubt my sanity at times.
1. Fear of Loss
At the start of the pregnancy, I often dreamt about losing my little boy. I reckon that was because everyone said the first 12 weeks were the most critical and most miscarriages happen during that period. It didn’t help that my gynaecologist failed to detect his heartbeat at Week 9 and thought I’ve suffered a missed abortion. “What the hell” comes to my mind whenever I think about it. It was really stressful even after 12 weeks because I was afraid that each ultrasound check-up would be accompanied with devastating news. Hence, a lot of my dreams reflected my real fears. Fear that I would lose my boy, that I would never get to hold him in my arms or meet my little man.
2. Not Manly Enough
Thankfully things got better and those dreams stopped haunting me at night. Daniel and I obviously talk about parenting techniques and what sort of parents we want to be. He aspires to be the fun dad who wants to do EVERYTHING with his boy. I love that he wants to be involved.
When we found out that it was going to be a boy, I was at a lost. WHAT WILL I DO WITH A BOY? I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT TRAINS, DINOSAURS AND I HATE FOOTBALL!
Then I started getting weird, like extremely weird dreams. I often dreamt of Theodore being bullied by others. They would pinch, poke and hit him in my dreams. I suppose those dreams reflected my fear of not being capable enough to make my boy man enough when he goes to school. I was afraid he might be too girly!
What do you think I did to those bullies in my dreams? I whacked the hell out of them. A girl in my dream was basically “torturing” Theodore. Despite my countless pleas to stop, she didn’t. So I tied her arms to the back and threw her out of the window. Shocking!!! I can so understand why Rick in Walking Dead had to do what he did to protect his son. I can also understand why Singaporean Blogger, Xiaxue, got mega pissed off with another mum whose kid attacked her baby boy on two separate occasions even though he was minding his own business.
If you’re a parent reading this, you have my utmost reassurance I won’t do this to your child. I’m understanding enough to know kids do accidentally hurt each other during play time. But I’ll be pissed off if you, as the parent, do nothing about bad behaviour.
3. Throwing away his belongings
The last crazy dream I had was super hilarious (on hindsight). It upset me so much that I was properly wailing out loud in my sleep and Daniel had to wake up to comfort me.
I dreamt that someone (no idea who) was throwing all of Theodore’s belongings (like his cot, clothes and toys) out even before he had the chance to use them. The poor kid wasn’t even born yet! I begged whoever that evil person was in my dream to stop but he/she didn’t and when I woke up wailing, I realised I was hugging my belly, cradling little Theodore in me.
I reckon this dream was a reflection of how unhappy I was when I found out my folks had thrown away/ donated my toys that I outgrew without asking me when I was a child. I felt like I had the duty to protect his belongings and made sure he got to enjoy his toys and sleep in his comfy cot. I also suppose it had to do with my sub-conscious fear of not being able to provide for him and that he would grow up feeling deprived (I know he won’t because he’s so loved!).